Working Remotely

Working remotely for me is like taking vacation. 

I will only go on vacation if I don't have to go anywhere. So whether I'm working remotely or on vacation, I am sitting at home doing nothing.

My wife decided to take a week off and visit her parents in Florida, which is why I decided to take a week off and stay at home. She asked me to come along, but I said I could not take a week off. Since working remotely and taking a week off are the same thing for me, I was somehow actually telling the truth for once. A twisted, fucked up truth--but the truth nevertheless.

Blair decided to give her husband a plane ticket for his birthday to go home and visit his parents for that same week. Blair had already worked it out with his boss beforehand, controlling bitch that she is.

So Blair worked remotely for a week also. From my place.

I know you'll all be very surprised by this, but Blair and I got along really well for an entire week, just the two of us. 

How is this possible you ask?

Naturally, there is an extremely dysfunctional reason for this.

Blair is obsessed with making me want to leave my wife for her. She does not want me to actually leave my wife for her because she would not leave her husband for me. She just wants me to want to leave my wife for her. 

Blair's father left her mother for another woman when she was a kid and she does not understand how I cannot want to leave my wife for her. How can she not be worth it?

So during this week Blair was the kindest, sweetest, sexiest woman alive. She intended to show me that this was a taste of what I would get if we were together. However, I knew that this was only a performance and what I would really get is the real Blair, a raving lunatic. Sexy, but a raving lunatic.

On the last day of our flawless week she asked me if I would leave my wife for her. I said no.

We haven't spoken since.

I'll give her until Monday.

Jason Lives!

I have not been MIA for the last couple of weeks for any of the following reasons:

• Conklin's Dead Slutty Wife's Evil Sister Fiona the Cunt finally got the best of me and I now lie cold and dead in a shallow grave out in the woods.
• Blair found out I not only cheated on her with my wife, but also with about 15 other women at work
• Mulhausen finally snapped and went postal on my ass because I spend most of my time with him either usurping his authority or mocking it
• Fashingbauer blames me because he can't quit his job and decided that murder would get him out for sure (although not a bad idea because I'm sure it would get him out of this job, but I'd rather he murder someone other than me).
• I finally couldn't take this corporate bullshit anymore and decided to jump off the top of the building.
• The anonymous death threat finally came to fruition.  
• I died in a fake fire during a fire drill.

I will tell you the real reason I've been missing just as soon as I think of one.

Whiteboard Etiquette

In Technology, a whiteboard is like a dick: size matters. 

The larger the whiteboard, the more important you seem and the more attractive you are to women in Technology. If it's big, they always want to touch your whiteboard. But they're intimidated by it because they know if they put something on it, there will be a lot of exposure. So it better be good.

If your whiteboard is small, you're obviously responsible for very little in the organization and therefore undesirable. 

The more diagrams and bullet points you have drawn on the whiteboard, the more overworked everyone thinks you are. So you need a lot of space. Large content translates to high performance. Size and performance always matter.

I have a very large white board. 

While most people use their whiteboards for drawing boxes that point to each other, I like drawing different renditions of my staff.

For example, when Maharajapuram broke his leg hiking, I drew him breaking his leg off with blood spewing in all directions. A little much, but I figure I should have the artistic license to elaborate a little in order to maximize the entertainment value for my audience. 

I also like to list out potential users for the user pool as if they're people I need to contact for a project or something. I can reference my whiteboard often to keep my eye on the ball, so to speak.

One thing I don't like is when people write "Don't erase" on whiteboards in conference rooms. If you have to keep something for a day so that you have time to copy it down, I'll let it go. But if I see that note on a whiteboard for more than a day, I erase it--whether I need the whiteboard for a meeting or not. I, of course, leave the "Don't erase". 

Other things you should NOT do with a whiteboard:

• Use a Sharpie, especially on your boss's whiteboard (unless he's not in the room at the time).
• Use it to write out code; code is an eyesore, I hate looking at it.
• Write things like "Blendi stopped by!! XXOO". Because before you get back, Blair stops by too and leaves the message: "You're dead."
  
• Draw pictures of naked women (unless it's on your boss's whiteboard and he's not in the room--and you're using a Sharpie).
• Use as a wakeboard; warps it and washes off the latest diagrams.

I'm sure there are other annoying uses of whiteboards as well as good uses. Feel free to contribute...

iPhone "Catch a Cheater" Feature

The new iPhone not only has 3G and custom apps, it also allows you to catch your dirty, rotten cheating lover. Here's how Blair tried to do it to me:

Blair somehow found a store during lunch on Friday that had iPhones in stock. She picked one up for herself then called me and asked if I wanted her to pick one up for me too. I immediately knew something was wrong. Blair does not do anyone any favors, least of all me.

Even though it's against policy, she convinced the clerk to do it for her. Blair can be a very charming person if she wants to be. It certainly helps if you don't know her.

All the clerk needed was my phone number and the last four digits of my social security number. 

That was an immediate red flag. But since I really wanted an iPhone and didn't see much of a risk (what was she going to do? Steal my identity and run up my credit cards?), I gave her the digits.

By the time I got the phone, she had already activated it for me. Once again, favors are not Blair's forte. 

I started playing with the phone and quickly realized one application had already been downloaded for me by my gracious lover. It's an app called "Whrrl". Here's the description:

Whrrl lets your friends light up your map based on the places they go in the real world. You can zero in on what they are up to right now, plus their past visits. 

Apparently, Blair didn't think I'd notice this application. She also thought that since I wouldn't notice this application, she'd be able to track my every move. She further thought she'd be able to verify if I was home like I said I'd be. She even further thought she'd be able to catch me cheating on her.

Well, it was certainly worth a try. An application my wife also would've been interested in checking out.

I disabled the feature of course. But if you and your lover both have the iPhone and he/she has downloaded a bunch of apps--he/she might not notice one more called "Whrrl". And then you can catch that dirty, rotten cheater. 

Looks like I'm safe for now. 

Washing Hands at the Office

I'm telling McKinney today how disgusted I am when people don't wash their hands after they take a piss, or worse, after they take a shit. They're out there. Happens more often than you think. This is how the conversation went:

"I don't wash my hands after I take a piss," McKinney said.

"What?" I said, shocked. "What do you mean? You're one of them?"

"That's right," he said.

"We just did the knuckle thing."

"What knuckle thing?" he asked.

"The knuckle thing. The 'what's up' knuckle thing," I said, motioning with my fist.

"So?"

"So, when was the last time you took a piss?"

"I don't know," he said. "Doesn't matter, I don't hold my dick with my fists when I take a piss."

"How can you take a piss and not wash your hands?" I asked.

"My mother taught me how to take a piss without getting pee on my hands," he said. "So why should I wash my hands?"

"I don't piss on my hands either," I said. "But I still wash my hands."

"Why?" he asked. "Is your dick dirty?"

"What?"

"My dick is clean," he explained. "It's like touching any other part of my body. So why should I wash my hands after I touch it?"

"It doesn't matter," I said. "If you touched your dick, I don't want you touching me. No more knuckle thing with you."

Well folks, there you have it. I'm curious to know what you think, so please vote. And of course, comments are always welcome--especially if you're one of "them". I'd like to understand why you do what you do... And this certainly applies to both men and women.